There Is No We In This
by Zenamydog
Summary: Coming up to his 28th birthday, Spock must find a way of enduring the ritual of Pon Farr without endangering Michael. Warning: This is a Michael/Spock pairing.


THERE IS NO WE IN THIS.

Michael touched his shoulder and then her hand slid down the front of his vest. She leaned down from behind him and whispered in his ear. "Finish up for the night and come to bed."

Spock stared at his screen and forced himself not to react to the feel of her lips on his neck. "Michael, I'm sorry, but I need to get this report done." He pulled away from her touch.

She nibbled and licked the shell of his ear. "I'm sure it can wait for tomorrow."

Spock held his breath. It took everything he had to resist. "As a point of fact, it can't. I need to finish it, I'm sorry."

Michael snatched her hand away and took a step back. He could see in his peripheral vision her move to the side of the bed and start to undress. Again he concentrated on his breathing. Michael's movements were sharp and he knew she was angry. He knew she was hurting. She didn't understand what was happening, why he was being so cold, so distant... Like a moon. A small piece inside of him died every time she looked at him with that pain in her eyes, but he had to be strong. He was doing this for her. It was for the best. Yes... It was for the best.

Michael slid her nightshirt over her naked form and walked towards the window. She stared up at the stars for several minutes and Spock was grateful he could look away from the beauty of her silhouette in the starlight. "Are you having an affair," she asked, so quietly he almost didn't hear her.

Spock flinched. "How could you possibly ask that, Michael?" He tried to keep his eyes forward and on his screen.

Michael spun on her heels. "Because you've been distance and moody and it's like..." Tears were present in her voice. "It's like you don't want to touch me anymore. I... I don't understand." She walked forward to stand in front of him, glaring. "And..."

Spock stood up from his seat to stare down at her. It hurt that she could truly believe that of him. He had made a commitment to her, but in his effort to protect her, he'd given her more than a good reason to doubt him. "And what?" he prompted.

"I know you've been lying to me."

"Vulcan's do not lie," he corrected.

"Okay..." She nodded and continued to glare. "Not lie, but not tell me everything either."

Spock breathed in through his nose. He kept his face neutral, but he could feel his heartbeat speed up.

"I spoke to Amanda this morning." Michael crossed her arms. "She said you..." Michael made air quotes... "... stopped by to see them, yesterday." She recrossed her arms. "She asked why I didn't come too."

Spock swallowed, but met her gaze. "The away mission was within 4 light years of Vulcan," he explained. "As we finished early, it seemed pertinent to visit our parents."

Michael shook her head. "There's something you're not telling me, Spock. Amanda said you were in with Sarek for over an hour."

Spock remained silent.

"Since when do you and Sarek... visit?"

Again Spock stayed silent, but the look on Michael's face made it difficult. He wanted to reach out. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her he loved her, but he couldn't. If he was to do that, then he knew his plan would come undone and he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Tears finally welled in Michael's eyes. "You haven't made love to me in weeks, Spock."

The pain in her eyes, made him respond. "Thirteen days to be precise," he said and regretted it. It meant it was clear he'd been counting.

"You sneak off of on an away mission you didn't have to take and go to Vulcan. You talk to Sarek, which..." She shrugged. "... you just don't do. Not unless there's something wrong."

"Nothing is wrong, Michael," he forced out of his mouth. Did he just say Vulcan's don't lie?

"Do you want to leave me? Is there someone else?" A tear dripped down her cheek. "Don't you love me anymore?"

It was that last question that broke him. He had been trying so very hard to make it all work. To stay away and make his betrayal easier, but... His body did what his heart told it to and his brain had no chance of fighting. He stepped forward and grabbed her face with both hands. It wasn't gentle and he knew it. He kissed her hard, rough, a touch of desperation in the contact. When he pulled away, his voice broke, "I will never love any other person in this entire universe the way I love you, Michael. No matter what happens. No matter what the circumstance. Please... know that is true."

Michael reached up and kissed him again. Long and deep and matched the desperation of the previous kiss. His arms wound around her as his arousal took over. He wanted... needed her, but... he forced himself to let go and took a step back. "Michael..." He shook his head.

Fresh tears welled. She slammed her fist down on the console. "Damn it, Spock! I thought we were past this." She flinched and then tried hard not to shake her hand.

"Are you finished?" Spock asked, remaining as calm as he could.

"No... but it seems like we are." Michael moved back to the bed and started to redress.

"What are you doing?" Spock asked.

"What does it look like," Michael spat.

Every fibre in his body sparked. He desperately wanted to stop her. "Michael, you're being..."

Michael finished putting on her second boot and stood up. "What, Spock? I'm being what? Stupid? Childish? Illogical?" Tears of anger and frustration started to stream down her face. "What?"

Spock couldn't speak. Her pain seeped into every pore. He knew if he spoke he would break.

Michael stared at him for a long moment. Her eyes pleading with him to say something. When he didn't, she shook her head and walked out and there was nothing Spock could say or do to stop her.

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"Michael?" Amanda said with a concerned look on her face. "Twice in one day. It's not that I don't love chatting with you, but I sensed something was wrong this morning. What is it?"

"Spock..." Michael sobbed and wished she could wrap her arms around the hologram she was speaking to. "I don't know why. I just want to know why?" She swiped at the tears. "He's so distant. He... he just has no time for me. He won't even..." Michael stopped, as a small part of her brain realised she was about to talk about her sex life with his mother... and hers.

"Oh, Michael," Amanda said. "Please don't cry. Spock loves you, I know he does. Whatever the issue, I'm sure you'll work it out."

"How can you know that?" she asked with more anger in her tone that she intended. "Did he say anything to you when you saw him, yesterday?"

Amanda shook her head. "No..." She hesitated. "Not to me."

Michael's eyes widened. "But to Father, right? He spent time with him. Spock said something to Sarek." Her breath shuddered. "What... what did he discuss with Sarek?"

Amanda pursed her lips together. "I can't be certain, Michael and even if I was, it's not for me to say." She smiled sadly. "What I can say is that whatever is happening, no matter how it seems to you right now. You are Spock's world. Everything he does, it's because he loves you."

Michael sighed. She understood she was putting Amanda in a difficult position, but she could also tell Amanda knew more than she was disclosing. "Can... can I ask you something, Mother? It's kind of personal."

"Of course, Michael. What is it?"

"I'm unsure if it's a Vulcan thing, or just a Spock thing, or..." Michael second guessed herself. "I... I don't want to pry, but..."

"Spit it out, Michael. You can ask me anything."

"Well..." Michael really had no idea how to phrase it. "Your... love life. Spock is only half Vulcan and it's been different from what I would expect from a full Vulcan, but..." She shrugged. "I'm not even sure I know what a full Vulcan's love life would or should be. I mean... Is it only..." She felt herself blush. "Every 7 years. Often, seldom? I... I just don't know how to work out a baseline."

Amanda smiled sweetly. "Michael... Are you asking if Sarek and I are... intimate at other times than Pon Farr?"

Michael didn't trust herself to speak. She was embarrassed and felt desperate, asking this sort of thing about their parents, so she just nodded.

Amanda took in a breath. "Yes, it took a while, but Sarek found a..." She hesitated as if trying to find the right words. "... understanding and appreciation for physical love. It isn't often, but it's not every 7 years either." She furrowed her brow and a look of contemplation crossed her face.

"Mother?"

"Oh, Michael..."

"What is it?"

"When Spock came here unannounced and spent so much time talking to Sarek, I jumped to conclusions. Sarek confirmed that he'd discussed you, but wouldn't say what it was about."

"What conclusions?"

"I think I was wrong. Very wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

Amanda looked up, compassion in her eyes. "I thought he was seeking Sarek's permission to marry you."

Michael's eyes widened and she spluttered, "What?" She shook her head. "No... The way he's been acting, he doesn't want to marry me."

"As I said, I realize I was wrong."

"But you have a clue. You think you know what it's about?"

"I..." Amanda started and then looked sideways. "I'm sorry, Michael, Sarek is calling for me. We have an engagement to attend at the High Council."

Michael realized she had to go, but at this stage Amanda was the only one who could possibly help her work out what was going on. Spock had said to Michael, only an hour before how much he loved her, so none of it made sense. "Can I call you tomorrow, Mother?"

"You can call anytime, Michael, but I don't think you should be asking me. If what I suspect is true, then you need to be asking Spock."

"And what's that? What do you suspect is true?"

She smiled. "Go talk to Spock and perhaps start the conversation by asking him if he intends returning to Vulcan in the coming weeks. I have to go, Darling. I love you."

Amanda's image disappeared and Michael let out a frustrated yelp, "Damn it! What does that even mean?" She thought about doing just that. Storming into Spock's quarters and forcing him to talk to her, but she didn't have the energy. Instead she climbed into her own bed, in her own quarters for the first time in months. Tilly would be surprised when she got off of her shift.

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Michael watched from the sidelines, she was sure that Spock didn't even realize she was there. When she couldn't find Spock, she did a search, only to find him 'working out' with Lieutenant Croker in the Gym. She guessed it wasn't that unusual, Spock was meticulous about being healthy and fit, but she hadn't seen him use combat training this way before.

'Clack' was the sound of the bamboo sticks as they blocked, crashed and scraped against each other. It was loud, too. They weren't holding back. Michael took in a breath and held it for a moment as their pace sped up and the 'clack' got even louder. If she didn't know better, she'd say these men were in a fight for their lives. Both were sweaty, particularly Croker. She had to admit he was good, to keep up with Spock, being Vulcan gave him a clear advantage in speed and strength.

Then... Croker swung around and Spock countered, but the move had taken him by surprise. He lost his footing and balance. A touch on the body of an opponent would cause a light to flash. Just as Croker brought the cane down to tag Spock, he rolled and just avoided it. There was a change, Michael could see it, as Spock managed to get back up to his feet. Croker smiled, a look of satisfaction on his face, but Spock scowled and rushed forward. The 'clack clack' started again, but this was different. There was something... something in Spock's eyes and his breath was laboured, but not from exertion.

Their canes were pushed against each other, locked, as Spock got the upper hand and Croker went down to one knee. "Yield," Spock growled and his tone wasn't competitive, it was angry.

"Never!" Croker replied and spun on his knees, pulling away just enough to start the action of standing, but Spock also spun and with full force brought the cane around to land at the back of Croker's knees. He went down with a cry and a look of shock on his face, but it was Spock's face that scared her the most.

"Spock!" Michael called out and ran to Croker's side. She looked up at Spock, who looked like he was in shock. "What the hell?" she said before hitting her comm. "Lieutenant Detmer. I need you to beam me and Lieutenant Croker directly to sickbay. It looks like he has a broken leg."

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Spock sat at his console and waited. He couldn't concentrate on the screen. He knew he'd read the same information at least 3 times. He was waiting for Michael. He had no doubt that she would be down to see him at some point, soon. He'd enquired about Lieutenant Croker, to discover that his leg was indeed broken, but they'd fused it and he was recovering. He sighed as he felt anxiety rise within him. He had gone over and over it in his head. He could remember it in detail, but it was like he was on the outside looking at it unfold, instead of being a part of it as he had been. He understood at a scientific level the effect of hormones and chemicals and the way they could change the synapses of the brain. Still... he was now surer than ever, he had made the right decision. Control was an illusion. He clearly had none at this point and it was only going to get worse as the days went by.

He turned when the doors hissed open and as if on cue, Michael walked through them. "Spock? We need to talk."

Spock nodded and stood up. "I've been expecting you."

"What the hell happened this morning?"

"You were there. You saw what happened."

Michael shook her head. "That's not what I mean and you know it. I've never seen you like that."

Spock curled his hand into a fist. The shakes had started and he needed to conceal it. "I admit, I took my competitive nature a step too far."

"Too far?" Michael frowned, angry questions in her eyes. "Spock, you broke the man's leg."

Spock gripped his fist tighter, until he felt his nails dig into his skin. Emotions boiled up in him and he was powerless to stop them. "I do regret my actions, Michael." He could feel the strain of holding back tears. Vulcans didn't cry... ever, but it was killing him to see the mixture of worry, anger and confusion on Michael's face. He took a step to walk past her, but she blocked his path.

"Spock?" her voice was low and the anger seemed to have drained. She reached for his hand before he could stop her. She looked down at it and then back up at him. "You're trembling. Are you sick?"

"No," he said with certainty. "This will pass." He pulled his hand away and brushed past her, walking to the window. He couldn't face her.

"What will pass, Spock? Please? Something is going on with you. Talk to me. You hurt Lieutenant Croker and it wasn't an accident. Spock this is so unlike-,"

"Better him than you!" came out before he could stop it, but he'd said it and now he was infuriated. The synapses in his brain were on fire and it hurt so damned much. He turned to face her.

"What?" The confusion on her face turned to fear and that was all it took for Spock to fall over the edge.

Spock smashed his fist into the wall beside the window. Once, twice, three times. It felt good as the pain seeped up his wrist and into his arm. He could handle physical pain, but the pain of what he was doing to Michael was tearing him apart.

Michael gulped in a breath and her mouth hung open. "You... you want to hurt me?"

The question sent Spock into a spin. "Get out! Get out and don't come back or..." His chest was heaving.

"No," Michael said and it was quiet and controlled. "I'm not leaving. Not until you answer a question." She took a step towards him. "Tell me, Spock. I've just realized something. Your 28th birthday is coming up. Are you going back to Vulcan anytime soon?"

The question stopped him in his tracks. Had Michael had worked it out? "Why would you ask that?"

"Amanda told me to and I didn't know why, but now..." she trailed off. "Answer me, are you?"

"No," he said with conviction, because it was true. "I have no need to return to Vulcan."

Michael took another step forward. "Then how are you going to perform the mandated rituals associated with Pon Farr?"

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Spock swallowed hard and Michael could almost see the thought processes. He was considering lying to her again, or at least not telling her the whole truth. She stared straight at him.

His nostrils flared and now both his hands were shaking. She could see the heave of his breaths. Then, surprisingly, something akin to resolve, crossed his face. "I will create a program on the Holodeck. It is not ideal, but there is precedence that it will suffice."

"Suffice?" Michael didn't understand. "Why the hell does it have to suffice, Spock? Why can't we just go to Vulcan?"

"There is no 'we' in this, Michael. You will not be a part of it."

"Excuse me?" She furrowed her brow. "I... I don't know that much about it, but... It's a mating ritual, right?"

"Yes." Spock's expression was too neutral for her to read.

"Well... that means you have to take a mate and I thought... You said... just yesterday that you loved me." Tears welled in her eyes, but she wasn't going to let them spill. "So... Just like that I'm not good enough for you and... and you... what... want someone else?"

"No." Spock was quick to answer. "The simulation will be of you. I..." He shook his head. "I went to Vulcan to speak to Father about a surrogate, but... the circumstance isn't dire enough for that to be allowed. I do not want to be with anyone else, Michael and that is the truth."

"Oh." Michael brought her hand to her forehead and started to pace. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You spoke to Sarek about a surrogate... why?" She walked to stand in front of him. "And why a hologram when you have the real thing?" She hit her own chest with force. "I'm here, Spock, I'm right here."

"No." Spock shook his head and for the second time she blocked his path as he tried to walk around her. "I will not do that to you."

"Do what?" She was so confused. "We've been making love almost every night for the last 6 months. Well..." The penny dropped. "Except for the last 12 nights. What makes this so different?"

Spock's hand shook violently and he grabbed it with his other. "You do not understand!" He pushed past her. "It is not making love, Michael. It is Pon Farr!"

"So?!"

Spock curled both hands into a fist. His face held a touch of red. "I did what I did to Lieutenant Croker because he almost bested me. My... competitive nature rose above all reason and logic. During Pon Farr your emotions are 10 fold. Your strength is doubled. I have come to understand that love is one of the strongest emotions of all. If love and desire..." He shook his head and his eyes widened. "When love and desire takes hold, I... I could hurt you, as I did Lieutenant Croker."

Michael sucked in a huge breath. "This is about protecting me?" She shook her head and walked closer, but Spock took a step back. It was like he didn't want her too close. "Spock... no... You won't hurt me. You love me."

"I will!" his voice was loud and angry. In the blink of an eye Spock spun and swiped with his hand, pushing everything movable off of his desk onto the floor. He turned to face her. "It's because I love you, I will. I will have no control and I 'will' hurt you."

Michael looked at the floor and everything on it and then back up at him. "Spock, you're scaring me."

"Good!" he scowled and his face changed to something unrecognisable. "You should be." He pointed to the door. "I answered your question. Now keep your promise and get out!"

Fresh tears welled. "No, Spock, please? I can-,"

"You can do nothing, Michael. Nothing, except leave!"

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The time was almost upon him. The pain and disorientation of the chemical imbalance was too strong to delay any longer. He had spent many hour programming and tweaking the Holodeck codes. It was perfect, except for the Michael part. Her image was perfect, the way she spoke was perfect, even what she felt like was... perfect. He knew the problem lay with him, not the coding of the program. This was not her, it was merely a simulation. As real as it felt, it was not her.

"Computer," he said and closed his eyes. "Run Pon Farr simulation 1.3."

"_Running Pon Farr simulation 1.3."_

There was a shimmer of light and when Spock opened his eyes, he was standing on Vulcan. It was sunset and the red sun was coming down behind the mountain. There was a line of Vulcan bearers for him to pass as he walked the 30 feet it would take for him to bang the gong. The symbol that his Pon Farr had begun. He was dressed in traditional robes and a hood hung over his face. He couldn't look up as he walked, he didn't want to. Michael was standing at the end of the line, but it wasn't her. He would use this simulation. Do what he had to do and then be done with this useless and antiquated ritual. He could only pray that the real Michael would find a way to forgive him.

He finally did look up as his 'Father' handed him the mallet. He took it and brought his arm back. There was a flicker of light and suddenly a distortion in visual. Spock frowned. A glitch in the program? It was only a split second, but suddenly he was back in the Holodeck. A second later back on Vulcan. "Computer, what's going on, analyse."

"_Program Pon Farr 1.3. Running analysis... Program binary code error on fixed point 232. Correction initiated."_

Spock sighed. He knew he'd rushed the program. He had spent hours, but it should have taken days. He had procrastinated over it for too long, until it became urgent. Now though, he just wanted it over with. He drew back his arm and hit the gong with more than enough force to make it ring out and echo. The day he had dreaded since his symptoms had started had finally begun. He was glad the rest of the ritual was a blur, it took too long and again he wished it done. He kept his mind blank until he reached for Michael's hand and led her through the arched doors and into the room. Now he would have no choice but to complete his biological programming. He knew he was doing what he needed to, but it still felt so much like betrayal. He second guessed himself as he stripped his robe and clothes off and instructed her to do the same. Maybe he should have used a face unfamiliar to him. A stranger's face, he could simply disassociate himself from. Unfortunately though, the ritual may not have worked. While his body wanted nothing but to relieve itself from its lustful urges, his mind could not handle touching anyone but her.

He went slow at first, kissing and nibbling his way up her stomach and over her breasts. Her chest rose and fell as it should, faster, mimicking the signs of arousal. "You look so real," he said and she looked directly at him. He ran his hand over her shoulder, across her neck to rest on her breast. "You feel so real." He didn't know why, but that thought angered him. He squeezed, hard, bringing a small grimace to her face and he found that strangely provocative. The urge was starting to build.

"Kiss me," she said and it sounded so much like her. He couldn't remember programming it to initiate, but right now he couldn't remember much at all.

He shifted up and hovered over her for a moment, looking deep into her eyes. He brought their lips together and the flood of emotion simmered and bubbled as his tongue danced with hers. He could hardly breathe as he pushed down and their teeth clashed. His mouth open and closed around hers, knowing, but not caring about the pressure he was using. He brought his hand down to the base of her hip and his fist closed involuntarily. Nails digging in through flesh. He felt the metallic taste of blood in his mouth when he bit into her bottom lip.

Michael shifted and moaned and that was it for Spock. He was hard and all he could think about was being inside of her. He didn't hesitate, he just pushed in and Michael moaned again. It gave him pause, just a split second, because it sounded more like a painful groan. This was not her he needed to remind himself and finally gave in to the primal instincts that had caused him so much anguish over the past few weeks.

He thrust, hard, in and out, bringing his hand up to take hold and grip her hair. His fingers entwined the short locks and he used it as a counter balance to go deeper and faster. He could hear her ragged breaths, so he brought his other hand to her mouth and covered it. He didn't want to hear, he didn't want to see. He sped up so the only sound in the room was the slap slap of flesh against flesh as he pounded into her and the urgency took hold.

Michael's head turned away and the hand over her mouth dropped to her throat. He squeezed on her windpipe. He couldn't see her face, but he felt the heat of her skin on his cheek as she started to struggle. He liked that. Why did he like that? She started to cough and grapple for air and the sound of her gasping gave him satisfaction and the extra drive to grip her hair tighter, lift up, pushing her head backwards. "Ahhh," he let out an involuntary groan as the shudder of coming ran through him. He let go of her hair and his hand slid to her face. He was still rocking in, emptying out every last drop of himself when his hand balled into a fist, scraping nails under her eye and drawing blood.

He was breathless when he flopped down fully on top of her, his mouth to the nape of his neck. She was heaving hard, too and the rhythm was almost soothing. Her skin was on fire, hot and that was how he could notice the moisture that dripped on his face. It wasn't sweat. It wasn't blood. What? How could this be? Was this programmed digital interface trembling?

Spock lifted up on both arms and looked down to find tear filled eyes staring back up at him. "No," he said scrabbling off of her and backward. "Computer, end Pon Farr 1.3 simulation." Then... everything was gone. The room, the bed... everything. Everything except Michael and the clothes they had walked in with. She was still laying there, on her back, naked, bruised and bleeding.

Michael sat up and reached for her robe. She was wide-eyed and the tremble in her body was visible.

"What have you done, Michael? How..." His breath caught.

"I asked Tilly to help me reprogram," she sobbed. "I... I'm sorry."

Spock moved forward and reached out a hand, but Michael countered by moving backward. There was fear in her eyes and it took everything Spock had in him, not to scream. This was exactly what he had hoped to avoid. His brain couldn't comprehend what had just happen, so he tried to settle as he quickly stood and got dressed.

Michael stood up and wrapped the robe and her arms around herself. It was white and against it, Spock could see every scratch and cut on her face. He could see the red handprint shaped marks on her throat that no doubt would turn into large angry bruises. Her lip still dripped with blood, so deep had his bite been. The red liquid was half dried and smeared across her face.

"I am so sorry," he said moving forward, and again she took a step back.

"I know." She nodded.

"I tried to tell you. I warned you that this could happen," he said as both an explanation and a plea for forgiveness.

"I know, Spock," she said again. "I blame myself. It was stupid to deceive you in this way. I... I think I'm just a little in shock, is all."

Spock ran his eyes up and down over her. "Do you need medical attention?" He couldn't keep the alarm out of his tone. "Have I hurt you other than what is visible?" He could feel panic start to rise in his chest.

Michael raised a hand. "No, I'm just a little sore. The wounds are superficial. I can take care of them myself. Don't worry." She started to walk towards the door and jumped to avoid his touch when he reached for her. "Just..." Tears streamed down her face. "I need time, okay. Just give me some time." She walked out and Spock couldn't help but notice her tentative walking pace. What had he done?

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Spock's body and brain function had returned to normal, but that was no blessing as he tossed and turned in his bed. He could not stop himself from going over every second of the ritual in his head and his mind and heart screamed at every thought. Logically he wasn't to blame, he knew that, but he still had sense memory of his hand over her mouth, around her throat. He sat up sharply and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He put his face in his hands and let the tears come and spill over. He should have known it was really her. He should have known.

Time past, but he couldn't tell how long he'd sat on the bed that way. He hit his comm. "Michael?" he whispered.

Nothing.

"Michael, if you're awake, please answer me. I need to know you are all right."

Again... nothing and Spock stood up from the bed and began to dress. He needed to go to her, he needed to... To what? Beg her forgiveness? He didn't know. He just knew he needed to see her and it couldn't wait until the morning.

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Tilly looked in the mirror and at her puffy eyes. She'd spent the last 2 hours tending to Michael's cuts and bruises. She'd tried to get her to go to sickbay, but Michael had refused. Tilly spent the next part of the night consoling her and being a shoulder to cry on... literally. She had cried too. Michael had told her about her plan and she had been a part of it. Without her, Michael wouldn't have been able to reprogram and slip into the Holodeck unnoticed. She was angry, more so than what she thought possible for her. Angry at Michael for asking her to help. Angry at herself for agreeing and angry at Spock for... for being a monster and hurting her friend, the woman he supposedly loved.

She got the whole Pon Farr, not in control, animal instinct thing, but she had agreed with Michael. He was exaggerating and being unduly cautious. Well apparently not. She recognised that he'd tried to do the right thing, but...

Tilly sighed when there was a bleep at the door to their quarters. She didn't know how exactly, but she knew it was Spock. Instead of allowing the door to fully open, she partially opened it and stepped outside, closing the doors behind her. "She's asleep, Spock," she said assertively.

"I need to speak to her, Ensign," Spock said in an authoritative tone. His jaw was set tight and his eyes were red. It didn't take a genius to see he had been crying too. That shocked her a little. Maybe he was just tired? She didn't know if Vulcan's could cry.

"No," she said and swallowed. "Not Ensign... Tilly. Michael's friend Tilly." She stood a little straighter. "That's who I am right now, so please don't play the superior card. I'm still going to tell you that she's asleep... finally."

Spock blinked and his face softened. "You are indeed a good friend... Tilly. I am grateful she has someone like yourself to turn to, but I-,"

"No buts." Tilly held her ground. "Apart from the physical stuff, she's been distraught most of the night." She frowned. "I tried to get her to go see Dr Culber, at least for a sedative, but she wouldn't. She was crying and shaking and..." Tilly shook her head. "She was inconsolable. It took a long time for her to calm down enough to go to sleep. I'm not going to let her be woken up now."

Spock's lips parted slightly and he looked off to one side. There was a beat of silence before he turned back to her. "I just need to see her. I will not wake her, I promise. I just... I understand how illogical that would sound, but... I need to see for myself that she is alright."

The expression on his face made Tilly feel sorry for him, but not enough to let him in. "Well you're not going to see that, Mr Spock. How could she be alright after she's just been raped?" _Oh shit... Did she just say that out loud? Why did she just say what she was thinking out loud?_

Spock's eyes widened and there was an audible intake of breath. His eyes filled and her question about Vulcan's ability to cry was completely answered.

"Mr Spock, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Michael loves-,"

Tilly's words were halted when Spock held up a hand. A look of loss, confusion and distress on his face. "Did..." Spock's voice quivered. "Did Michael say that?"

Oh, crap. Tilly was the worst liar in the world. There was no getting out of this. "No, not... not exactly. She did say... it kind of felt like that, though." She tried to soften the blow by adding, "But she knew it wasn't. She knew it was her choice to..." her words faded as Spock turned and quickly walked away.

"Oh shit, Tilly," she said out loud to herself as she watched him get into the lift. "You have a freaking big mouth, girl." How the hell was she going to explain this to Michael?

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Michael had avoided Spock for the next two days. Actually she'd avoided almost everyone. Technology had removed the visible signs, there were no bruises or marks, but they couldn't take away the illogical thought processes. Illogical? She sounded more and more like Spock, the longer she was with him.

Tilly had confessed to the conversation she had with Spock and that explained why he hadn't contacted her, tried to see her and part of her was grateful. She wasn't ready. Extremes of emotion ran through her unbidden and if she were Vulcan she would have called it a female version of the prelude to Pon Farr. She had little to no control over it.

Control... that was it. That was what that night, the ritual and Spock's rough and bruising hands had taken from her. Her confidence was shattered and she felt fearful of... everything. Noise, sudden movement, touch. Was this what it was like in the aftermath of truly being raped? Michael shook her head, no. She had done this; she had put herself in harm's way on purpose. She had consented, knowing full well the possible consequences. That wasn't rape. She unconsciously lifted her fingers to brush lightly across her neck. As always, feeling and logic conflicted.

She could only imagine the state Spock was in. Imagine, because she had no real idea. Tilly told her he was distraught and tears had filled his eyes, but she could only hope his Vulcan side had taken over. If it had, logic would win. This was not his fault, it was hers. How could she have been so wrong? She consoled herself with the thought that maybe she hadn't. He wasn't even trying to be gentle. He had given himself over to the violent lust because, in his mind, it was only a hologram. No feelings, no pain. No need to hold back. She had to believe had he known, it would have been different.

She hovered outside of Spock's quarters for a long while, willing herself to enter. She was worried he would be angry. Worried he wouldn't even want to see her. She took in a breath and took the steps needed for the doors to open. When she stepped inside her eyes widened. It was hard to believe she was even in the right quarters. It was a mess. Spock didn't like mess. He was meticulous about everything, from a used cup on the edge of the table, to having military corners when the bed was made.

"Spock?" she called out tentatively, when she looked around and couldn't see him. Maybe he wasn't there? "Spock?" she said again, but this time her eye caught a shadow in the corner.

He was sitting on the ground, legs crossed, eyes closed. He was dressed in a traditional Vulcan robe and it was clear he was meditating. She second guessed herself as whether to disturb him and decided not to. She started to walk back towards the door.

"Michael?" his voice was soft and hesitant.

She turned to see him stand and take a step towards her. Instinctively, with no understanding as to why, she countered with a step back. Spock's face flinched at her action and he looked pale.

"You wish to speak to me?"

Michael needed to concentrate and forced herself to close some distance between them. Not all the way, but within a few feet. "I did," she said and fought back tears. "I wanted to make sure you were okay." She looked around the room. "I can see you're clearly not and... I'm sorry."

"I accept your apology, Michael." He moved a little closer. "Will you accept mine?"

Michael needed to stand her ground as sense memory threatened to take over. "It wasn't your fault, Spock. I did this."

"And yet." Spock swallowed hard. "You are frightened of me."

Michael's breath shuddered. "No, not... not of you. Not really. It's hard to explain."

Spock nodded. "You have been through something traumatic, physically, physiologically and emotionally. It will take time for you to heal."

Michael smiled sadly. "Yes... exactly... but it's not you, Spock. I love you... deeply."

"May I ask you a question, Michael?"

"Of course. What is it?"

"When I..." His face changed and he hesitated. "When I started to hurt you. Why didn't you reveal it was truly you? Why didn't you stop me?"

She had thought about this, asked herself the same question. "Because you needed to complete the ritual... fully. If I had stopped you then... it would have been for nothing. We'd have been back at the start and you'd still be suffering."

Spock closed his eyes and shook his head. "You let me hurt you, so I wouldn't suffer?" His eyes flung open, and a look of pain and anger shone in them. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. His features shifted and if Michael had to name the expression, she'd call it anguish.

"Oh my god." Her eyes filled and this time she couldn't stop them as the realization hit. "But you are suffering... still. Not from the onset of Pon Farr, but because... You're riddled with guilt over something you had no control over. You tried to tell me and I... I just didn't listen. I took away your choice, your free will. I'm not the only one who suffered psychological and emotional trauma." She took a step closer. "I'm the one who raped you."

Spock looked at her, deeply, intensely, but he didn't move. It was still a very conscious thing, but her need to comfort him, take his pain away, overrode her unconscious fears and she closed the gap to stand in front of him. "I am so so sorry."

Spock stood still and it wasn't until her tears spilt over that he lifted his hand to her face. Slowly, he swiped away a tear under her eye with his thumb. It was so soft and gentle; it was easy to resist the urge to flinch. This was the Spock she knew. The man she knew. In time the memory of his hand over her mouth, around her throat, would fade. She could only hope it would fade for him too.

Looking up at him, she smiled and placed her hand over his on her cheek. "It will take some time, but we can get through this."

Spock broke eye contact briefly. "To be honest, I have thought a lot about ending our relationship."

"What?" Michael frowned and pulled away.

"That was tied into the thoughts that we never should have been together in the first place."

Michael caught her breath. "Is this some sort of revenge?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Are you trying to hurt me, get back at me?"

"I have already hurt you, Michael and that is exactly the point. If we were never together I would have gone to Vulcan to complete the ritual. If we ended this now, you will never be in jeopardy due to me again. However when-,"

Michael screamed out in frustration. No, not after all of this. She entwined her fingers on top of her head and spun. This wasn't happening. This wasn't noble, it was stupid. She turned back to face him. "You're a selfish bastard, you know that? You want to leave me, because you don't want to hurt me ever again? That is... that is..." She threw her arms up in the air. Her tears dried because now all she felt was angry.

Spock breathed in, a look of calm on his face. "May I continue?" he asked almost condescendingly.

Michael gestured with her hand towards him. "Sure, why not," she spat, suddenly aware her melancholy had been replaced.

"However, when I analysed those thoughts, no matter which way I looked at them and despite how logical they were, I kept coming back to the same two conclusions."

Michael frowned, but said nothing.

"You are my addiction, Michael. A forbidden fruit that... once tasted can never be untasted. Being with you over the past few months has changed me. Irrevocably, permanently and is something I am now and will forever be grateful for."

Michael's eyes widened. She so hadn't seen that coming and her anger was completely gone. "Spock," she said, her voice all breath. "Addiction, huh?" She sniffed and forced a smile. "Such a way with words." She moved forward to stand in front of him and took his hand. "And the second conclusion?"

"You were right."

"About what?"

"If you were beneath me during the ritual of Pon Farr... and I knew it," he clarified. "I now understand I would not have been able to hurt you as I did, no matter how out of control or strong the urge."

Michael smiled, genuinely this time. "Really? What changed your mind?"

Spock lifted her hand slowly to his mouth and kissed it. "Because I had it backwards. Love is not a weakness that would have fuelled my insanity. It is stronger than any other emotion possible and a strength I could have... should have drawn on. With that at our back I believe we can get through anything. Pon Farr and even this pain we have inflicted on each other."

Michael nodded. A fresh batch of tears in her eyes. They were happy tears though as he leaned in and touched his lips to hers. For the first time there was no desire to pull back. "It may take some time," she said again, when the kiss broke, feeling safe, but not wanting to rush.

"However long it takes." Spock smiled. A rare occurrence and it lit up his eyes. "We have a life time, Michael... We have a life time."

THE END.


End file.
